I know this is an odd topic for a 47-year-old man, apart from which it's going to be a bit of a whingeing session, so if you find that distasteful, you might want to browse elsewhere fora while. But it's a topic that's been growing on my mind now for a couple of years, and sometimes seems like it's been with me my whole life...
Nobody wants to play with me!
I don't mean that literally and 100 percent, of course. There are people who are *willing* to play with me, in some areas; even those who openly enjoy it. But there doesn't seem to really be anyone who actively seeks it out and, frankly, who'd rather play with me than with anyone else, or even than with most other people.
This extends into several different areas:
Online games -- I have friends I used to play in MMORPG's with, and even, very occasionally, still do. But I always seem to be the odd one, the spare tire -- welcome but not absolutely required. This really came home one night during a phase of my "World of Warcraft" career -- I was playing regularly, but most of my friends had dropped to playing only occasionally. So one night, after I hadn't had anyone to team with for a week, my friends all got on -- and formed a group that had no room for me. I had to log off and leave the house; I've rarely felt so utterly disregarded and abandoned.
These days, most of my online gaming is in City of Heroes. Most of my RL friends have moved away from it; one or two look in occasionally. I've been trying to find a supergroup ("guild" to veterans of other games) that I fit in with, and it just doesn't seem to happen. Either they're almost entirely inactive (at least during the time periods I'm on), or the people in them don't seem to really want to be active with one another (which makes me wonder why they're even in the group), or the group is centered around a small core of players and everyone else is window dressing. Finding the right balance of roleplaying and actual play seems to be impossible. I know the groups must be out there, but finding them and fitting in seems to be beyond me.
Other games -- my friends certainly haven't invited me to play "Rock Band" in some time. And ever since "Rock Band" came out, no one wants to play "Karaoke Revolution" at all...
Crossdressing -- OK, my gender issues aren't really a "game" per se. It's something important to me in a number of ways. But there are ways in which I'd like to "play" with it. I'd like to find a costuming partner, someone who would enjoy making matching or compatible costumes and wearing them and acting to some degree in character at places like SF conventions and renaissance faires. I'd like to find a sister or best girlfriend who I could confide in and hang out with, and be there for. I'd like the chance to find someone who understands and is sympathetic to the fact that there are a lot of things I'd still find exciting about being a girl that most adult women have grown out of, or at least come to take for granted.
Kinky games -- I won't go into too much detail here, but lord knows I can't find a partner interested in trying out some kinky things with me, exploring fetishes and roles and games that I find intensely attractive. I know of some places to contact people who are theoretically into it, but either they just seem to have a very different mindset about it, or they want to play -- but again, not with *me*.
And combining the above areas, I certainly couldn't seem to find any person or group I fit in with in Second Life...
I don't know. It just seems to me that, either no one wants to play, or they don't want to play the same games I want to play -- or they just don't see me as someone worth playing with.
Noir- Excerpt #2
1 week ago