Thanks, Barack

...for a 30-minute spot reminding me why I've been supporting you all along. That was a nice piece of work.

Sorry to ditch my cynicism for a moment, but I feel it all over again. This guy gets it. Maybe not every single idea of his is the right one, but he gets it. He's going to do his best, he's going to learn from his mistakes, he's going to take his job seriously, he's going to listen as well as lead. He thinks things through. He knows who he's going to be working for, and he won't forget us.

America, let's put this guy in the White House. We need him.

Such a deal...

All the $1.29 varieties are on sale for only $1.29? Good to find a bargain in these tough economic times....

Saturday, October 25th

Today, I accomplished the important things I set out to do.

It feels....weird.

"Situation hopeless; off for Wimbeldon finals."

Well, the financial issues which I thought were merely extremely acute and serious, turn out to be slightly worse than that.

Basically: I currently have $3 cash in my wallet, and maybe around $5 in loose change in various places. My checking account is overdrawn up to (and slightly past) my overdraft limit. My credit cards are all more than maxed. I have some gas fumes in the tank of my car. My larder holds approximately one jar of peanut butter and some condiments. I don't get paid for at least five days -- more probably eight -- and, even if I get the maximum I think I can reasonably expect, it still won't bring my bank account balance above zero. But in fact, it's worse than that, since unless I can find at least a little cash, I can't do the rest of the work I have scheduled owing to the aforementioned lack of gas in the car. I've borrowed about as much money as I can from friends and family, I think, and had a salary advance from my employer. I've got an outstanding cash advance from one of those "payday loan" places. And I've just discovered that the only expendable possession immediately available (my digital camera) isn't worth enough to be able to pawn.

Suggestions for immediate action would be strongly welcomed.

Anger

I spent almost the entire afternoon being angry. I won't go into why, as I'm not sure how much it matters -- everything was making me angry. It was, in a way, frightening.

Better now. I am hoping it was largely owing to having stupidly allowed my medication to run out. I should be able to remedy this tomorrow. There were also work-related issues, but I don't think I would have stayed so angry, so frustrated, for so many hours, and at so many things, if not for the med withdrawal. I hope so, anyway.

Depressed tonight

Could go on at greater length, but everything seems black and nasty tonight. Finances are the acute worry, but that triggers the whole "Who am I? What do I want to do? Would anyone care if I vanished off the face of the earth? Would anyone even notice? And why doesn't anyone want to play with me?" (The latter applying in many areas of life, from sex to MMORPG's.)

Also feeling largely friendless, which is highly unfair to my friends.

Probably not going to be able to see my therapist next week either --not that I really think it would help -- because they're probably going to send me out of town again, on a work assignment for which I won't get paid (a) enough, or (b) till the following pay period. This job just ain't for me. I need something steady and predictable.

Just....shit.

And, I forgot to watch My Name is Earl. Which isn't really depressing, but it is annoying.

Musing on my gender issues

One night earlier this week, I was getting out of my car, when a couple happened to stroll by. I really only saw them from behind. The woman was blonde, wearing a black sleeveless dress and wedged shoes, and was on the arm of a guy whose description I didn't particularly note. "Wow," I thought, "I wish I was her."

Now, this isn't all that uncommon a feeling for me. I have talked often about how seeing a particularly attractive woman walk by will provoke in me a reaction I call the Double Whammy: whereas many men might want her, and many women might want to be her, I want both. Nonetheless, this particular incident stood out a bit for me, and it got me thinking a bit.

In the first place, there really wasn't a double-whammy reaction this time. I felt no particular lust for or wish to be with this woman. Second, I think a lot of it had to do with her being on a man's arm. This isn't because I felt a desire to be with the man -- any man in general, or this man in particular. Rather, I think it was just that it looked so, well, feminine. The notion of walking down the street, looking pretty, on a guy's arm, just seems so attractive.

Then, too, there is a bit of "class envy" mixed in. Not that I have any reason to believe this woman was fabulously rich or anything -- but I've been so spectacularly poor lately that I really can't afford to go out anyplace that I would want to take a date. True, the woman might not have been paying -- but even if so, women who date are expected to spend money in other ways: nice clothes, cosmetics, hair styling and so on. (I've needed a haircut for several months but have been too broke to want to spend the money on it.) So sometimes, the fact that I live in a place surrounded by a lot of "night life" does make one rather wistful.

But that was another part of it: frequently when I have that "wish I was her" sensation, it's pretty depressing. That time, it wasn't particularly. Possibly my "envy" capacity is all being used up right now on people who have disposable incomes, are satisfied in their careers, and so on.

Still -- the particular incident does tend to re-affirm for me that my particular condition is more one of what has been called autogynephilia, rather than being more traditionally transgendered. I know that diagnosis is still rather controversial; and in fact, I myself harbor strong doubts that it applies as widely as its proponents claim. But it still seems to sum up my own feelings more closely than anything else I have come across.

What's that say about me? Probably some things that many women will find disturbing. I don't know how I can satisfy their concerns, to be honest. I don't think any of us are entirely responsible for our feelings, only for our actions. My feelings are very genuine and very deep.

What should I actually do about the situation? Well, for the moment, there's damn all I can do. I'm going to miss out dressing up for Halloween again this year, I am nearly certain. If I ever can get out of my current situation and into a real apartment, then I can consider some options. Long-term, though....I don't know. I keep waiting to figure out who I am, or even who I really want to be.

When atheists attack

Although I am not an atheist, and in fact have found myself growing increasingly uncomfortable with the aggression with which many atheists these days are mocking religion (guys, you might be right, but when 90-plus percent of people believe in something beyond the material, calling them idiots is only going to make them hate you more without accomplishing anything), I found this article in Newsweek to be pretty articulate on what bothers me about Sarah Palin.

What is so unnerving about the candidacy of Sarah Palin is the degree to which she represents—and her supporters celebrate—the joyful marriage of confidence and ignorance.

....a combination she shares, IMHO, with George W. Bush. God (if there is one) help us all.

A couple of thoughts on the VP debate...

I haven't really talked politics on this new blog yet, so, full disclosure going in: I am a Democrat, and I was an early Obama supporter.

Listening to the debate, I think Palin "won" in the sense that I don't think there are any sound bites from the debate that will make her sound as ludicrous as the ones that have been going around YouTube and elsewhere. (When your expectations are negative, zero looks pretty good.) Biden, of course, was right far more often, but that's another question, and in some cases a matter of opinion.

There are a couple of things I wish Biden, or some other big-name Democrat would say, and one thing I would like to say to Sarah Palin.

As to the former: Palin talked a lot about how Obama would raise taxes, and that would kill jobs. To me, "tax cuts" are the Republican equivalent of what they accuse the Democrats of liking to do by "throwing money at the problem." Yes, taxes can have an effect on job creation and other important areas of the economy, but the notion that tax cuts are an economic cure-all is one that we're long overdue to discard. (Further, I resent the notion of job creation by cutting corporate taxes in the name of job creation when many of them could fund the creation of several hundred jobs just by cutting the pay of their CEO to reasonable levels.)

Palin also kept talking about how people want to "get government out of the way." I know Democrats are reluctant to argue this directly, because the phrase "big government" looms over everyone. But the moment! "You know, Governor, government got out of the way of Wall Street, and look what happened. In California, government got out of the way of the energy industry, and the whole state wound up getting raped by Enron. Sometimes, Governor, government needs to get in the way! Which, by the way, is something that was thoroughly understood by Senator McCain's hero Theodore Roosevelt. He got the government in the way of the big trusts. He got government in the way of people who refused to bargain in good faith with organized labor. And he got government in the way of people who wanted to despoil our wilderness instead of preserving it for future generations. Sometimes government isn't the answer. But sometimes it's the only answer."

And finally, directly to Governor Palin: In answer to a question about gay marriage, you made a great point about how "tolerant" you are of gay people. You know what? Screw you. I don't need your tolerance. "Tolerating" something is what you do when you don't like something, but you resolve to put up with it. If you're not really willing to accept it -- then you can take your tolerance and shove it. I'd rather you stopped pretending you're enlightened, and just be honest in your bigotry.

(For those who may not know me, I am not actually gay -- but do have gender identity issues, and I doubt Palin really knows the difference, or cares.)